Day #30: Ten Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids

Here's a final note from the Orange Rhino herself:

I wanted to write and say thank you for letting me attempt to share my journey over 30 days. You inspired me so much and helped me keep being yell free. Thank you. I hope that you all had positive days today and continue to make progress! I am looking into ways for you all to keep talking via an online forum but in the meanwhile, please do use the Facebook page to share and support each other! And if you are ever in a real crunch, email me! My response time is slower than before much to my chagrin but I still try my hardest!!!! 

My very best to you as you continue your journey,

The Orange Rhino

 

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And here is an awesome post from her blog for you to enjoy on your 30th day, called "Ten Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids."  Trust me, this one is worth reading :).

http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

Please stay in touch, and if you haven't shared any of your experiences with us yet on the blog (the Calmly Ever After blog), anytime in the future is good too!  I'll get an email if you post here, and will always do my best to respond.

HUGS!

Jenna

Day #29: Let's Do This!!!

From the Orange Rhino:

You did it! You are here! Together we have made it through the last 29 days and will make it through today with flying colors! Be proud of the last 29 days, seriously! Be proud about the fact that you signed up and were interested to learn a little more, to start your journey. Many people don't take that step so again, be proud! Be proud of yourself for not unsubscribing to the emails (I know they probably weren’t always easy to read.) Be proud of yourself that you worked these last 29 days, consciously or subconsciously. Be proud even if you aren’t exactly where you want to be because if you are reading this email, it means you are still trying! Seriously, be proud. Feel good about the last 29 days. I have read the posts you have shared. They have inspired me beyond words. You all helped me get through these last very difficult 29 days so again, BE PROUD of yourself. 

Okay, feeling good about the last 29 days? Okay then now forget them, kind of :) Today is the perfect day to put all the “work” from the last 29 days into practice. Today is the perfect day to yell less and love more. Today is the perfect day to put every single ounce of energy in your body into yelling less. Today is the perfect day to find patience in places you never have. Today is your day to go for it and say “I did it” so you can know that you CAN do it.

Yes, today is your day. Oh wait, someone else said that better than me. Here is a quote I shared from the beginning:

“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting…so get on your way!”

~Dr. Seuss

Yes! Get on your way! You have done so much to get to this day. Even if you have just read the emails and not had a chance to write on any of the blog posts, I bet they have seeped in and made you think a little. (Or at least I hope so!) Let’s do this!!!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“JUST DO IT!” ~ Nike

Yes, just do it! Put all your energy and love into today and just do it! Tell yourself it might be hard but that it is worth it! If your goal was to conquer one moment of a day, conquer that moment. If it was to conquer the day, go for the day. Just tell yourself that you can do it, and go for it! It is just one day. One day. One moment. We can do anything for that amount of time. Truly.

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” ~ Mother Theresa

Every moment matters. Don’t think that just because you only had one good moment that it isn’t worth it; it is. All the good moments add up.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. If you have time, write down three alternatives to yelling that you will use today so that you know you have a plan. Some of my favorites if a yell is really close to sneaking out: singing, act like a gorilla, yell into anything (bag, cupboard, toilet), start stomping feet, jumping jacks, squeeze hands, saying “I love you kiddos, I will use a loving voice!”

2. Underneath those alternatives, write “I CAN DO IT!” or another positive statement that jives with you like “I will use a calm voice.”

3. Remind yourself of the people in your support circle who you can reach out to if you are stuck – text them telling them “Happy Valentine’s Day – today I am giving my kids the gift of yelling less so I might be texting you a lot!”

4. Give yourself the greatest gift – love and forgiveness. Seriously. Tell yourself you can do it today, but also give yourself breathing room to be human! Don’t beat yourself up if you are having a hard time. One moment at a time, this is a process.

5. If you have time tonight, write in the final blog post for this group. Write about any of these subjects: the most important thing I learned about myself and yelling this month, what I am going to keep doing to move forward or what I need to do, how I feel about myself after this month, how I feel about my kids. If anything else strikes your fancy, write it there too! Use it as a chance to reflect and to be fully honest! Please write even if you never have. Use this post to learn about your last 30 days. As you write, you might just discover a truth you never wanted to admit. That truth might set you free and help you yell less. Telling the truth is scary but as you know for me, it is very beneficial.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/26/day-30-yelling-less-and-loving-more-today/

password: icanyellless

TODAY's TIPS.

Go one moment at a time - don't get ahead of yourself!

Talk to yourself all day long. Tell yourself that you can do this. Remind yourself that you don't want to yell.

Let it go - whatever it is!

Yell into a cabinet the freezer or the toilet, just not at the kids. 

Get exercise throughout the day - even if it means running in place while making a meal.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF (I do.)

I will be thinking of you today. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Stomp on Orange Rhinos, stomp on!

Day #28: Kaisen and Letting Go

(Notice from Jenna:  for some reason she skipped Day #28, but I'll add an extra day for your 30-Day Challenge.  This came out as her Day #29 post.)

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning!

SO, um wow. Today is day 29 which means tomorrow is Day 30, the last day of this mini Challenge. So only 2 days left. There are two ways to say that, ugh, only 2 days left I didn’t achieve what I wanted, or YES ONLY 2 days left. 2 days is a short time. I can do anything in a period of two days! So lets look at it the latter way. I have pulled a lot of thoughts into this email because I didn’t want to not share them. Enjoy?!

It has be said that I am a control freak and a perfectionist!  Well, I used to be and that was certainly part of my yelling problem. I got all worked up when things didn’t work out; I would get in a mood and then yell unnecessarily. I am learning to let go. To accept that the kids’ beds are made the way they want and that that is cool. To accept that I can’t do everything perfect and right all the time. To accept that I can’t control when a baby gets sick or when I get sick and that I just have to do my best at any given moment. To accept that life can be hard sometimes and that I still need to show love to my babies even when my world feels like it is crumbling (see tonight’s forthcoming post.) The last two reasons are why this email has so many thoughts. I wanted to get one out yesterday since we are so close to the end, I wanted to send it out and be perfect in my vision. But sometimes, I have learned, I need to let go in order to do better. My body needed to sleep in yesterday, I needed to be purely with me. So I did. And it gave me strength to get through the day!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
~ Havelock Ellis

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermann Hess

I LOVE THESE QUOTES. They are so true I have learned. Sometimes it is the letting go that has helped me to get more - more love that is. And here is a concept/word instead of a quote.

"Kaizen: Continuous Improvement."

This is a term I learned in undergraduate business school way back when.  It is a popular term in the business world because the truth is, we are always improving, we must always improve to stay at the head of our game. When we get comfortable, we must push and seek improvement. When we are uncomfortable, we must push and seek improvement. Sometimes the uncomfortable is what creates improvement.

I share this today to remind you that we are all works in progress. Every day I learn something new about myself, my kids, my parenting style.  I am continually learning, and continually tweaking my approach to improve myself. Do not give up on yourself if you are not as far as long as you hoped to be. This is a process! These 28 days I know you have continually improved – even if it as simple as your awareness is higher.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Even if you aren’t a control freak like me (but really trying to be less so!), ask yourself, is there something you can let go of to be happier? To yell less? Perhaps it is forgiving someone? Perhaps it is letting go of 1 rule because you have 10 already? Perhaps it is letting go of nitpicking how things are cleaned up, as long as they are?

Share your Letting Go in this blog post:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/25/day-29-catching-a-breath-letting-it-go/

password: icanyellless

2. Let go of past yells. I have said it before but I can’t say it enough. Holding on to feeling angry that you yelled when you didn’t want to won’t do you any good. Let it go. Focus on one moment at a time! You can do this!!!

3. Think of ALL the progress you have made. Remind yourself that this is a process! Do not give up!

TODAY’s TIP:
When you are upset about a kid’s mess (or anything that in the big picture is okay to let go of) and you want to scream, just starting singing “Letting it go, Letting it go.” Maybe even turn it into a dance party. Exercise is great for calming down!

Have a good day! Stomp on!

Day #27: A Little Pressure, A Little Progress

From the Orange Rhino:

Today, I am grateful for you all, seriously. Right now I am going through a tough spot in my life. Opening up these daily emails from last go-around are so uncannily timed that it blows me away. I needed to read this email today, so much so that I decided again to write something new and share this.  Meanwhile, I continue to root for you!!!

*

Last night, I blogged about feeling like I was in a pressure cooker http://theorangerhino.com/pressure-cooker/ . Sometimes I do really well under pressure; it inspires me, pushes me, and I excel. Other times, it paralyzes me and I can’t handle it; it makes me stressed and cranky.

How do you handle pressure? Does it help you or hinder you? How do you handle pressure in relation to this challenge? I have heard from many a people that knowing I went 365 days stresses them out because they reach for that all day no yelling thing and can’t do it. Once they can’t do it, they feel such pressure to be able to do it that things spiral out of control. If you are feeling the latter, remember that this is YOUR challenge, your goal. Make sure your personal goal is hard enough to inspire you but easy enough to not paralyze you.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Talking is a hydrant in the yard and writing is a faucet upstairs in the house. Opening the first takes pressure off the second.”

~ Robert Frost

Okay, well take the writing bit out and I love this quote! If you are feeling pressure, start talking, as it will help you figure things out. Talk to a friend and say why you are having a hard time; it might make you feel better. Talk to yourself, asking yourself WHY, why, why and you might get and AHA! That takes pressure off. Just get a talking! Yesterday I had to write an article. I was stuck, stuck, stuck. The pressure was getting to me. I started talking my thoughts over with my husband and the pressure came off as I got clarity.

“A diamond is a chunk of coal made good under pressure.” ~Henry Kissinger

Who doesn’t like diamonds?! I know many of us are not getting diamonds today but we all have the potential to take the yelling we have in our lives and turn it into something beautiful like a more loving relationship with our kids. So again, let a little pressure into your life. Not so much that the diamond in the words cracks, but enough that it is made!

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Review your goal. Is it helping or hindering? Remind yourself to go one moment at a time. If your goal is too big, pick one moment to focus on.

2. Write in this post your progress. Yes, progress. I have found that when I start talking and writing I realize that I am in a better place than I thought and it’s motivating.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/23/day-27-progress-is-most-definitely-progress/

password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:
If you haven’t already, create an Orange Rhino Emergency Basket. Have fun with it! Go to Target and have your kids help pick out a fun orange gift bag or basket. Then do a scavenger hunt for a few orange things that you both can use in emergency. Silly Putty. Crayons (color instead of yelling). Nail polish. Bubbles. Cheez its. Then go home and fill the bag/basket. In case of emergency, when you feel stress coming on, run over and grab something out and use that. Maybe even have your kiddos make a bag for themselves too!

Days #25 & 26: Just do it!

From the Orange Rhino:

TODAY’s THOUGHTS:
“Life has many twists and turns and sometimes what looks like a very bad day can just be clearing the way for good things to come.” ~ J Kim Wright

Did you have a not so hot day yesterday? I’ve said it before. Don’t think of it as failing, think of it as another day learning and preparing you for success. You will get there, you will! (Okay, really reading my own words here.)

“It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action.” ~ Al Batt

Even if your days aren’t going as you wish, congratulate yourself for taking notice that you want to change and getting up and trying to take action. It is hard work! But you are doing it--something many people don’t even attempt. Be proud of that and keeping getting up no matter how hard!

“The most effective way to do it, is to do it!” ~Amelia Earhart

Yes! Sometimes when I am in a rut – I can’t lose weight, I can’t get the to-do list done, I can’t do what I need to do because I am scared – what I need to do is just tear the band-aid off, jump in, and do it! (Again the irony is unreal. This is exactly what I am doing in my own life right now. I am right there with you!!)

TODAY’s ACTIONS:
1. Just do it! Tear the band-aid off and decide you are going to try again with all your energy. If your goal is too much (ie. an entire day) go really hard at one moment, ie. meal time. Set yourself up to succeed!

Write about it here:
http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/22/day-26-just-do-it-again-and-again-and-again/

Password: icanyellless

2. Remind yourself what you have learned. Write it down on a post it note and put it in a place you can see it.

Enjoy your time with your family!!! Have a great weekend day and if all the togetherness eventually feels too much, say you need a 5-minute break and take one. One moment at a time, you can do this!

Day #24: Digging for Beauty

From the Orange Rhino:

I loved the Start, Stop, Continue posts from yesterday. So simple and straightforward. Today I am going to STOP worrying about how much I can’t get done and focus on what I can, START smiling more, it just needs to happen! And CONTINUE just showing up and trying my best, forgiving myself if I am crankier than I wish. I am only human!!!

I am also going to continue to use some past 30 Days emails. Ha! I loved this one because it brought me peace writing it and I still think of this metaphor when I get stuck. There are 6 days left on this little 30 Day Project. You have done so much work already and I am in awe by the posts and emails I am receiving. And yet I know that sometimes there have probably been moments where you have felt stuck….even on good days. So here is an get-unstuck email for you!

*

Finally! 14” or so cleared from the driveway. What does this have to do with yelling less you ask? A lot actually.  So today I don’t share a famous quote, I share a story instead.

TODAY’s THOUGHT:

When we woke up this morning it was so beautiful out! The promise of snowball fights and sled runs and snowmen and snow angels filled my boys hearts with excitement. The promise of a night by the fire, with a glass of wine in hand and peace in quiet around us, filled my husband’s and my heart with excitement. Oh it was gonna be a great day! (You know, kind of like how when you found out about this challenge you thought, "Yes!  At least I will figure out how to yell less! This is so exciting! I am going to put all my energy in and go for it!")

Then we went outside to shovel. And shovel. And shovel. It was hard and exhausting and it seemed like for every shovel we lifted, we made no progress as we have a long, long, winding driveway and the wind kept moving snow pack to where we just cleaned. I kept stopping, looking around and thinking, “Yes, it is beautiful out and we can go sledding once the driveway is cleared BUT am I ever going to get there?” and I thought, “This is exhausting. I am cold. I just want to go inside and eat!”

(Sound familiar if you replace this with the journey of yelling less? You know, that the beauty of the promise to yell less surrounds you but with every small bit of progress you still feel like there is so much work to be done and you just want to quit?)

Obviously, quitting shoveling wasn’t an option. So we kept going. And you know what, when we were done, our bodies ached and our cheeks were frozen red but we were warm inside all the layers of clothing. AND we felt w huge sense of accomplishment AND not only was the beauty was still around us BUT now we could get to more beauty – taking our kids sledding and listening to them laugh as they went flying down the hill.

My message this morning? Don’t Quit. Keep seeing the beauty around you – the promise of yelling less AND your children. Keep believing that you can learn to yell less. Keep understanding that it is a process and that while it feels like you might not be getting anywhere, you are.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Keep shoveling! Keep digging deep and asking yourself why. Why am I still yelling more than I like? Is there a stressor I am not totally acknowledging? Do I have to much on my plate right now to do this (which if you do, accepting that might help you naturally yell less). Or why am I not yelling, what am I doing well so I can keep doing it?

2. Have fun! Seriously. I’ve been more cranky with my kids lately and I think it’s because I have played less with them because we’ve been so busy. So get out there and skip like I wrote on FB last night! Or it can be as simple as coloring a picture together. Just have fun together.

3. Post in yesterday’s START. STOP. CONTINUE. I know it is hokey, but it works! And if you don’t like the format, no worries! Write something else. The continue part is huge because it will force you to realize what good you ARE doing.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/20/day-24-be-the-change/

password: icanyellless

TODAY's TIP:

Do a random act of kindness, seriously! When I do something nice for another mom, even if it is as simple as saying, "You're doing a great job" I feel better and it helps me be in a better place overall. And then do a random act of kindness for yourself - take a break or tell yourself you're doing a great job because seriously, you are. I bet you are doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for!

We are in the home stretch folks…you can do this!

Have a great day!

Day #23: Be the Change

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! So much I want to share today but I am going to re-iterate a recent message. Keep asking yourself WHY? Why are you not yelling, why are you yelling? I know these questions are tedious, annoying and perhaps uncomfortable. I hate digging deep; it can feel really ugly. But when I do, it helps me to move forward and that feels beautiful.

So yesterday I was at the Occupational Therapist's for one of my sons. I was sharing how we, yes we, are just having a terrible go at it and that I don’t know what else to do to help him. She told me that I needed to get back to the basics, to continue doing abc and to start doing xyz. Which got me thinking about a tool I learned on my first job (and also got me thinking, "Shoot, there is more I need to remember to do first thing in the morning? Crap.") But this tool I learned makes this simplified, I think…

At work, we were on an off site talking about plans for the next year and how to get there. The quote and actions from that day, what twelve years ago, have stuck with me and I call on them quite frequently. I hope they stick with you too; they are powerful and apply to so many different situations.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Be the change. It can be hard, it can be uncomfortable, but it often is a chance worth taking.” ~ one of my many leaders

Yes. Be the change! It is easy to hope for things around us to change; it is hard to sometimes motivate and actually change ourselves!

And another favorite version:

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” ~Gandhi.

TODAY’s ACTIONS:

1. In the following blog post, write a sentence for each of these words in relation to how you are going to yell less, how you are going to change. Start. Stop. Continue.

Example:

Stop (eventually, it’s a process!): I will stop trying to be perfect. It stresses me out and makes it hard to stay calm.

Start: Putting out lunch bags the night before so I don’t rush in the morning.
Continue: I will continue to acknowledge when I can tell my issues are impacting how I act towards my boys.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/20/day-24-be-the-change/

password: icanyellless

2. Continue to ask yourself why and post on this blog post if you haven’t.

3. Tell yourself you are doing a great job. Seriously. My heart breaks when I read that someone is mad at themselves for yelling because I have been there. I beat myself up so much in the beginning when I yelled after going 8 days straight. I don’t wish that for anyone. This is a PROCESS. It takes time. It isn’t about being perfect, it is about learning, growing, and eventually yelling less. Take this as seriously as you want, but not so much so that you beat yourself up…that will just make it harder!!!

Keep it up and Have a Great Day!