Day #30: Ten Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids

Here's a final note from the Orange Rhino herself:

I wanted to write and say thank you for letting me attempt to share my journey over 30 days. You inspired me so much and helped me keep being yell free. Thank you. I hope that you all had positive days today and continue to make progress! I am looking into ways for you all to keep talking via an online forum but in the meanwhile, please do use the Facebook page to share and support each other! And if you are ever in a real crunch, email me! My response time is slower than before much to my chagrin but I still try my hardest!!!! 

My very best to you as you continue your journey,

The Orange Rhino

 

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And here is an awesome post from her blog for you to enjoy on your 30th day, called "Ten Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids."  Trust me, this one is worth reading :).

http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

Please stay in touch, and if you haven't shared any of your experiences with us yet on the blog (the Calmly Ever After blog), anytime in the future is good too!  I'll get an email if you post here, and will always do my best to respond.

HUGS!

Jenna

Day #29: Let's Do This!!!

From the Orange Rhino:

You did it! You are here! Together we have made it through the last 29 days and will make it through today with flying colors! Be proud of the last 29 days, seriously! Be proud about the fact that you signed up and were interested to learn a little more, to start your journey. Many people don't take that step so again, be proud! Be proud of yourself for not unsubscribing to the emails (I know they probably weren’t always easy to read.) Be proud of yourself that you worked these last 29 days, consciously or subconsciously. Be proud even if you aren’t exactly where you want to be because if you are reading this email, it means you are still trying! Seriously, be proud. Feel good about the last 29 days. I have read the posts you have shared. They have inspired me beyond words. You all helped me get through these last very difficult 29 days so again, BE PROUD of yourself. 

Okay, feeling good about the last 29 days? Okay then now forget them, kind of :) Today is the perfect day to put all the “work” from the last 29 days into practice. Today is the perfect day to yell less and love more. Today is the perfect day to put every single ounce of energy in your body into yelling less. Today is the perfect day to find patience in places you never have. Today is your day to go for it and say “I did it” so you can know that you CAN do it.

Yes, today is your day. Oh wait, someone else said that better than me. Here is a quote I shared from the beginning:

“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting…so get on your way!”

~Dr. Seuss

Yes! Get on your way! You have done so much to get to this day. Even if you have just read the emails and not had a chance to write on any of the blog posts, I bet they have seeped in and made you think a little. (Or at least I hope so!) Let’s do this!!!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“JUST DO IT!” ~ Nike

Yes, just do it! Put all your energy and love into today and just do it! Tell yourself it might be hard but that it is worth it! If your goal was to conquer one moment of a day, conquer that moment. If it was to conquer the day, go for the day. Just tell yourself that you can do it, and go for it! It is just one day. One day. One moment. We can do anything for that amount of time. Truly.

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” ~ Mother Theresa

Every moment matters. Don’t think that just because you only had one good moment that it isn’t worth it; it is. All the good moments add up.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. If you have time, write down three alternatives to yelling that you will use today so that you know you have a plan. Some of my favorites if a yell is really close to sneaking out: singing, act like a gorilla, yell into anything (bag, cupboard, toilet), start stomping feet, jumping jacks, squeeze hands, saying “I love you kiddos, I will use a loving voice!”

2. Underneath those alternatives, write “I CAN DO IT!” or another positive statement that jives with you like “I will use a calm voice.”

3. Remind yourself of the people in your support circle who you can reach out to if you are stuck – text them telling them “Happy Valentine’s Day – today I am giving my kids the gift of yelling less so I might be texting you a lot!”

4. Give yourself the greatest gift – love and forgiveness. Seriously. Tell yourself you can do it today, but also give yourself breathing room to be human! Don’t beat yourself up if you are having a hard time. One moment at a time, this is a process.

5. If you have time tonight, write in the final blog post for this group. Write about any of these subjects: the most important thing I learned about myself and yelling this month, what I am going to keep doing to move forward or what I need to do, how I feel about myself after this month, how I feel about my kids. If anything else strikes your fancy, write it there too! Use it as a chance to reflect and to be fully honest! Please write even if you never have. Use this post to learn about your last 30 days. As you write, you might just discover a truth you never wanted to admit. That truth might set you free and help you yell less. Telling the truth is scary but as you know for me, it is very beneficial.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/26/day-30-yelling-less-and-loving-more-today/

password: icanyellless

TODAY's TIPS.

Go one moment at a time - don't get ahead of yourself!

Talk to yourself all day long. Tell yourself that you can do this. Remind yourself that you don't want to yell.

Let it go - whatever it is!

Yell into a cabinet the freezer or the toilet, just not at the kids. 

Get exercise throughout the day - even if it means running in place while making a meal.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF (I do.)

I will be thinking of you today. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Stomp on Orange Rhinos, stomp on!

Day #28: Kaisen and Letting Go

(Notice from Jenna:  for some reason she skipped Day #28, but I'll add an extra day for your 30-Day Challenge.  This came out as her Day #29 post.)

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning!

SO, um wow. Today is day 29 which means tomorrow is Day 30, the last day of this mini Challenge. So only 2 days left. There are two ways to say that, ugh, only 2 days left I didn’t achieve what I wanted, or YES ONLY 2 days left. 2 days is a short time. I can do anything in a period of two days! So lets look at it the latter way. I have pulled a lot of thoughts into this email because I didn’t want to not share them. Enjoy?!

It has be said that I am a control freak and a perfectionist!  Well, I used to be and that was certainly part of my yelling problem. I got all worked up when things didn’t work out; I would get in a mood and then yell unnecessarily. I am learning to let go. To accept that the kids’ beds are made the way they want and that that is cool. To accept that I can’t do everything perfect and right all the time. To accept that I can’t control when a baby gets sick or when I get sick and that I just have to do my best at any given moment. To accept that life can be hard sometimes and that I still need to show love to my babies even when my world feels like it is crumbling (see tonight’s forthcoming post.) The last two reasons are why this email has so many thoughts. I wanted to get one out yesterday since we are so close to the end, I wanted to send it out and be perfect in my vision. But sometimes, I have learned, I need to let go in order to do better. My body needed to sleep in yesterday, I needed to be purely with me. So I did. And it gave me strength to get through the day!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
~ Havelock Ellis

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermann Hess

I LOVE THESE QUOTES. They are so true I have learned. Sometimes it is the letting go that has helped me to get more - more love that is. And here is a concept/word instead of a quote.

"Kaizen: Continuous Improvement."

This is a term I learned in undergraduate business school way back when.  It is a popular term in the business world because the truth is, we are always improving, we must always improve to stay at the head of our game. When we get comfortable, we must push and seek improvement. When we are uncomfortable, we must push and seek improvement. Sometimes the uncomfortable is what creates improvement.

I share this today to remind you that we are all works in progress. Every day I learn something new about myself, my kids, my parenting style.  I am continually learning, and continually tweaking my approach to improve myself. Do not give up on yourself if you are not as far as long as you hoped to be. This is a process! These 28 days I know you have continually improved – even if it as simple as your awareness is higher.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Even if you aren’t a control freak like me (but really trying to be less so!), ask yourself, is there something you can let go of to be happier? To yell less? Perhaps it is forgiving someone? Perhaps it is letting go of 1 rule because you have 10 already? Perhaps it is letting go of nitpicking how things are cleaned up, as long as they are?

Share your Letting Go in this blog post:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/25/day-29-catching-a-breath-letting-it-go/

password: icanyellless

2. Let go of past yells. I have said it before but I can’t say it enough. Holding on to feeling angry that you yelled when you didn’t want to won’t do you any good. Let it go. Focus on one moment at a time! You can do this!!!

3. Think of ALL the progress you have made. Remind yourself that this is a process! Do not give up!

TODAY’s TIP:
When you are upset about a kid’s mess (or anything that in the big picture is okay to let go of) and you want to scream, just starting singing “Letting it go, Letting it go.” Maybe even turn it into a dance party. Exercise is great for calming down!

Have a good day! Stomp on!

Day #27: A Little Pressure, A Little Progress

From the Orange Rhino:

Today, I am grateful for you all, seriously. Right now I am going through a tough spot in my life. Opening up these daily emails from last go-around are so uncannily timed that it blows me away. I needed to read this email today, so much so that I decided again to write something new and share this.  Meanwhile, I continue to root for you!!!

*

Last night, I blogged about feeling like I was in a pressure cooker http://theorangerhino.com/pressure-cooker/ . Sometimes I do really well under pressure; it inspires me, pushes me, and I excel. Other times, it paralyzes me and I can’t handle it; it makes me stressed and cranky.

How do you handle pressure? Does it help you or hinder you? How do you handle pressure in relation to this challenge? I have heard from many a people that knowing I went 365 days stresses them out because they reach for that all day no yelling thing and can’t do it. Once they can’t do it, they feel such pressure to be able to do it that things spiral out of control. If you are feeling the latter, remember that this is YOUR challenge, your goal. Make sure your personal goal is hard enough to inspire you but easy enough to not paralyze you.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Talking is a hydrant in the yard and writing is a faucet upstairs in the house. Opening the first takes pressure off the second.”

~ Robert Frost

Okay, well take the writing bit out and I love this quote! If you are feeling pressure, start talking, as it will help you figure things out. Talk to a friend and say why you are having a hard time; it might make you feel better. Talk to yourself, asking yourself WHY, why, why and you might get and AHA! That takes pressure off. Just get a talking! Yesterday I had to write an article. I was stuck, stuck, stuck. The pressure was getting to me. I started talking my thoughts over with my husband and the pressure came off as I got clarity.

“A diamond is a chunk of coal made good under pressure.” ~Henry Kissinger

Who doesn’t like diamonds?! I know many of us are not getting diamonds today but we all have the potential to take the yelling we have in our lives and turn it into something beautiful like a more loving relationship with our kids. So again, let a little pressure into your life. Not so much that the diamond in the words cracks, but enough that it is made!

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Review your goal. Is it helping or hindering? Remind yourself to go one moment at a time. If your goal is too big, pick one moment to focus on.

2. Write in this post your progress. Yes, progress. I have found that when I start talking and writing I realize that I am in a better place than I thought and it’s motivating.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/23/day-27-progress-is-most-definitely-progress/

password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:
If you haven’t already, create an Orange Rhino Emergency Basket. Have fun with it! Go to Target and have your kids help pick out a fun orange gift bag or basket. Then do a scavenger hunt for a few orange things that you both can use in emergency. Silly Putty. Crayons (color instead of yelling). Nail polish. Bubbles. Cheez its. Then go home and fill the bag/basket. In case of emergency, when you feel stress coming on, run over and grab something out and use that. Maybe even have your kiddos make a bag for themselves too!

Days #25 & 26: Just do it!

From the Orange Rhino:

TODAY’s THOUGHTS:
“Life has many twists and turns and sometimes what looks like a very bad day can just be clearing the way for good things to come.” ~ J Kim Wright

Did you have a not so hot day yesterday? I’ve said it before. Don’t think of it as failing, think of it as another day learning and preparing you for success. You will get there, you will! (Okay, really reading my own words here.)

“It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action.” ~ Al Batt

Even if your days aren’t going as you wish, congratulate yourself for taking notice that you want to change and getting up and trying to take action. It is hard work! But you are doing it--something many people don’t even attempt. Be proud of that and keeping getting up no matter how hard!

“The most effective way to do it, is to do it!” ~Amelia Earhart

Yes! Sometimes when I am in a rut – I can’t lose weight, I can’t get the to-do list done, I can’t do what I need to do because I am scared – what I need to do is just tear the band-aid off, jump in, and do it! (Again the irony is unreal. This is exactly what I am doing in my own life right now. I am right there with you!!)

TODAY’s ACTIONS:
1. Just do it! Tear the band-aid off and decide you are going to try again with all your energy. If your goal is too much (ie. an entire day) go really hard at one moment, ie. meal time. Set yourself up to succeed!

Write about it here:
http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/22/day-26-just-do-it-again-and-again-and-again/

Password: icanyellless

2. Remind yourself what you have learned. Write it down on a post it note and put it in a place you can see it.

Enjoy your time with your family!!! Have a great weekend day and if all the togetherness eventually feels too much, say you need a 5-minute break and take one. One moment at a time, you can do this!

Day #24: Digging for Beauty

From the Orange Rhino:

I loved the Start, Stop, Continue posts from yesterday. So simple and straightforward. Today I am going to STOP worrying about how much I can’t get done and focus on what I can, START smiling more, it just needs to happen! And CONTINUE just showing up and trying my best, forgiving myself if I am crankier than I wish. I am only human!!!

I am also going to continue to use some past 30 Days emails. Ha! I loved this one because it brought me peace writing it and I still think of this metaphor when I get stuck. There are 6 days left on this little 30 Day Project. You have done so much work already and I am in awe by the posts and emails I am receiving. And yet I know that sometimes there have probably been moments where you have felt stuck….even on good days. So here is an get-unstuck email for you!

*

Finally! 14” or so cleared from the driveway. What does this have to do with yelling less you ask? A lot actually.  So today I don’t share a famous quote, I share a story instead.

TODAY’s THOUGHT:

When we woke up this morning it was so beautiful out! The promise of snowball fights and sled runs and snowmen and snow angels filled my boys hearts with excitement. The promise of a night by the fire, with a glass of wine in hand and peace in quiet around us, filled my husband’s and my heart with excitement. Oh it was gonna be a great day! (You know, kind of like how when you found out about this challenge you thought, "Yes!  At least I will figure out how to yell less! This is so exciting! I am going to put all my energy in and go for it!")

Then we went outside to shovel. And shovel. And shovel. It was hard and exhausting and it seemed like for every shovel we lifted, we made no progress as we have a long, long, winding driveway and the wind kept moving snow pack to where we just cleaned. I kept stopping, looking around and thinking, “Yes, it is beautiful out and we can go sledding once the driveway is cleared BUT am I ever going to get there?” and I thought, “This is exhausting. I am cold. I just want to go inside and eat!”

(Sound familiar if you replace this with the journey of yelling less? You know, that the beauty of the promise to yell less surrounds you but with every small bit of progress you still feel like there is so much work to be done and you just want to quit?)

Obviously, quitting shoveling wasn’t an option. So we kept going. And you know what, when we were done, our bodies ached and our cheeks were frozen red but we were warm inside all the layers of clothing. AND we felt w huge sense of accomplishment AND not only was the beauty was still around us BUT now we could get to more beauty – taking our kids sledding and listening to them laugh as they went flying down the hill.

My message this morning? Don’t Quit. Keep seeing the beauty around you – the promise of yelling less AND your children. Keep believing that you can learn to yell less. Keep understanding that it is a process and that while it feels like you might not be getting anywhere, you are.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Keep shoveling! Keep digging deep and asking yourself why. Why am I still yelling more than I like? Is there a stressor I am not totally acknowledging? Do I have to much on my plate right now to do this (which if you do, accepting that might help you naturally yell less). Or why am I not yelling, what am I doing well so I can keep doing it?

2. Have fun! Seriously. I’ve been more cranky with my kids lately and I think it’s because I have played less with them because we’ve been so busy. So get out there and skip like I wrote on FB last night! Or it can be as simple as coloring a picture together. Just have fun together.

3. Post in yesterday’s START. STOP. CONTINUE. I know it is hokey, but it works! And if you don’t like the format, no worries! Write something else. The continue part is huge because it will force you to realize what good you ARE doing.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/20/day-24-be-the-change/

password: icanyellless

TODAY's TIP:

Do a random act of kindness, seriously! When I do something nice for another mom, even if it is as simple as saying, "You're doing a great job" I feel better and it helps me be in a better place overall. And then do a random act of kindness for yourself - take a break or tell yourself you're doing a great job because seriously, you are. I bet you are doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for!

We are in the home stretch folks…you can do this!

Have a great day!

Day #23: Be the Change

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! So much I want to share today but I am going to re-iterate a recent message. Keep asking yourself WHY? Why are you not yelling, why are you yelling? I know these questions are tedious, annoying and perhaps uncomfortable. I hate digging deep; it can feel really ugly. But when I do, it helps me to move forward and that feels beautiful.

So yesterday I was at the Occupational Therapist's for one of my sons. I was sharing how we, yes we, are just having a terrible go at it and that I don’t know what else to do to help him. She told me that I needed to get back to the basics, to continue doing abc and to start doing xyz. Which got me thinking about a tool I learned on my first job (and also got me thinking, "Shoot, there is more I need to remember to do first thing in the morning? Crap.") But this tool I learned makes this simplified, I think…

At work, we were on an off site talking about plans for the next year and how to get there. The quote and actions from that day, what twelve years ago, have stuck with me and I call on them quite frequently. I hope they stick with you too; they are powerful and apply to so many different situations.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Be the change. It can be hard, it can be uncomfortable, but it often is a chance worth taking.” ~ one of my many leaders

Yes. Be the change! It is easy to hope for things around us to change; it is hard to sometimes motivate and actually change ourselves!

And another favorite version:

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” ~Gandhi.

TODAY’s ACTIONS:

1. In the following blog post, write a sentence for each of these words in relation to how you are going to yell less, how you are going to change. Start. Stop. Continue.

Example:

Stop (eventually, it’s a process!): I will stop trying to be perfect. It stresses me out and makes it hard to stay calm.

Start: Putting out lunch bags the night before so I don’t rush in the morning.
Continue: I will continue to acknowledge when I can tell my issues are impacting how I act towards my boys.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/20/day-24-be-the-change/

password: icanyellless

2. Continue to ask yourself why and post on this blog post if you haven’t.

3. Tell yourself you are doing a great job. Seriously. My heart breaks when I read that someone is mad at themselves for yelling because I have been there. I beat myself up so much in the beginning when I yelled after going 8 days straight. I don’t wish that for anyone. This is a PROCESS. It takes time. It isn’t about being perfect, it is about learning, growing, and eventually yelling less. Take this as seriously as you want, but not so much so that you beat yourself up…that will just make it harder!!!

Keep it up and Have a Great Day!

Day #22: Magnify Your Successes (and you do have them, by the way!)

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! Well, at least I hope it is good for you so far! I know that mine is going to be rough. I stayed up way too late catching up on life after two plus days of being silly. I can say with confidence that it was a bad move! I am sure I will be sick in another week. Oh well. It happens. Moving on, right?

Yes, moving on. I have read lots of comments on our 30 day project, on my other blog posts and on the FB page that people are disappointed with their progress, that they just can’t go one day without yelling. I get that frustration – I remember feeling it in my beginning. So I again I say, let it go, move on. Understand why you are stuck, and move on. I know it is SO much easier to say that than to do. So much easier. But if you can do it, not only will you feel better, but you might also yell less!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:
“True greatness consists in the use of a powerful understanding to enlighten oneself and others.” ~Voltaire

“If we magnified our successes as much as our disappointments we’d all be much happier.” ~Abraham Lincoln

YES to the above! As you try to move on, or even as you start another day of meeting your goal, remind yourself of everything you have learned. Use all your lessons learned from tracking triggers, from trying different alternatives to yelling, and from overall trying to yell less to succeed to enlighten yourself as to what you need to do to have a successful yell free moment. And as you do, truly remember that it is about one moment at a time. You might have a goal that is to go all day, but perhaps it is time to re-evaluate that goal and to adjust it to one where you will succeed and feel better about yourself. And WHEN, not if, you succeed, magnify that! Focus on all the good you ARE doing, because I know you are doing well!

TODAY’s ACTION:

Magnify your successes! I am not good at doing this but I am really fabulous at magnifying my disappointments. Ha! But magnifying successes is sometimes needed and this is one of those situations! Dig deep and find a success and share it!! Even if you feel you aren’t succeeding, find a moment and share it. You’ll feel better and hopefully inspired to keep trying and yell less! Share here:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/19/day-23-magnify-success/

password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:

“I want to scream and shout and let it all out. We say oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!” That’s right…SING! Turn your yell into a yell-la-la-la-la-la!!!

Day #21: Focus on the Positive in Your Kids

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! I am having a "cold medicine hangover" and got a late start to the day. Again. ARGH! Anywho, when I did the 1^st 30 Day Project, Day 22 was my last official day of my 365 day Challenge. I wrote this email to everyone and today I share it with you because well, I need to read it too. I have a lot of unexpected stress in my life right now. Couple that with not feeling well and I feel like I am on my last straw. BUT I will not yell. I can do this and so can you!

*

If you had told me last winter that I would have lasted an entire year, I would haven’t believed you because up until this point in my life, I was a quitter. If there was a hard or uncomfortable path, I ran when it got bumpy. It was just easier this way. And there were LOTS--and I mean lots--of times I wanted to quit this past year. But I didn’t. I think one of the reasons I was able to keep going is that I learned to tell myself that I could do it, literally. Every moment I wanted to quit I told myself “no, you can do this.” I started believing a little bit more and when I doubted for a second, I reached out to a friend or my mom for support, I reached out to them to squelch that negative thought immediately.

It is important to know that before this Challenge, while I was a positive thinker per se, I never really embraced the power of positive thinking. But this year has proved it to work in lots of times. Interesting enough, when I started focusing on thinking more positively about the kids (instead of their little annoyances) I saw them in a different light and not yelling at them was easier.

TODAY’s THOUGHTS:

“A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes.” ~Gandhi

“When the world says, ‘Give up,’ Hope whispers, ‘Try it one more time.’” ~Author Unknown

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” ~Albert Einstein

TODAY’s ACTIONS:

1. Continue telling yourself you can do this, that you rock. If you hit a bump, tell yourself, "Okay, I yelled but this is what I learned; next time it will be easier. I can do this." Tell yourself whatever you need to become the product of your thoughts. And by telling, I don’t just mean thinking! I mean literally opening your mouth and saying it out loud!

2. Try one more time. And after that, try one more time. Keep trying. Whatever you do, get up, because you can do this. You can learn to yell less. Just stay with the problem.

3. Write in this blog post 3 positive things about your child. Seeing your child in more positive light will help you to see all the good behaviors and less apt to nit pick and yell at the small ones.  THIS REALLY HELPS!!!

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/18/day-22-positive-kids/

password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:

Take preventative measures! Catch your kids doing good things all day long and tell them. It is hard and takes a lot of remembering and energy but like all the popular parenting books say, it helps a lot!

Day #20: Ask "Why?"

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning my 30 days to yelling less friends! This email is one of my favorite subjects, an annoying one, but one I rely on constantly even to this day. Anywho, I have written before to you and on my blog about how this past year I had to not only not yell, but think. I did a lot of soul searching and digging deep. I did a lot of asking WHY.

WHY am I still struggling to get through a day without yelling?

WHY did I successfully not yell today?

Both questions helped me to succeed. I had to be brutally honest with myself with the first one. It hurt to admit in the early days that I was still yelling simply because after I yelled once I stopped trying and decided I couldn’t do it.  And then it felt good when I realized I didn’t yell because I gave that day all my energy to keep it together and told myself over and over again that I could do it.

I know many of you are feeling good about your progress and many are still wishing it was going faster. We have 10 days left on this 30 days to yelling less project and I want everyone to be in a good place when we get to one week left. So today and tomorrow, I urge you to dig deep and really be honest with yourself as to why you are in the place you are so that you can craft a plan to keep going and feel better. Ask your support group his/her thoughts.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.”

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ~Henry David Thoreau

TODAY’s ACTIONS:

1. Read the first quote above over and over. Yes you might have yelled. That is NOT your final defeat. Keep telling that to yourself.

2. Look for the compensation in your disappointments and I might add, successes. Ask yourself WHY am I having a hard time not yelling? WHY am I succeeding at not yelling. The answer might be as simple as, "because it is hard!" Or if you dig deeper it might be, "it is hard and I am tired and I don’t feel like trying."  Why do I like the quote and the word compensation? Because I see answering these questions as payment, as a reward. If you are truly honest with your answers you will be rewarded with an aha! That hopefully will help you keep going and understanding what needs to change or keep happening to ensure yelling less.  Post answers here:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/16/day-20-21-why/

password: icanyellless

TODAY’S TIPs:
1. Ask your kids, "Why?" I often find in the middle of a major tantrum that just asking why can help diffuse it but more so can help me understand where they are coming from. Just understanding helps me keep from yelling.

2. Enjoy this week with your kids! When I am overwhelmed and cranky (and therefore more yell- prone) I find that if I hang out with my kids and laugh and cuddle that it relaxes me immensely and helps everything else I have to do “easier.”

Days #18 & 19: No Dwelling Allowed!

From the Orange Rhino:

Last night I posted “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids.” Only 10? Oh I learned so much more. One of the other things I learned is that I spend a lot of time dwelling on mistakes, dwelling on problems, dwelling on everything! And that dwelling always keeps me stuck in a rut instead of enjoying the moment. And while I dwelled, especially if it was on a mistake, I often started thinking negatively about myself and telling myself that I can’t do things. This was pretty much a bad plan if I wanted even a chance to get through the day without yelling!

Why do I share this? Because I remember my early days of the Challenge when I had 7 days of not yelling under my belt and then for whatever reason I lost it. Absolutely lost it. It took me three days to go all day again. Why did it take so long? Because every one of those days I thought about my mistake; I told myself I couldn’t do this; I told myself that I had failed. The next day I woke up and said “Today is the day! I am going to re-start today and I CAN do it.” I kept telling myself that about every 5 minutes. I emailed and texted my friends the other every 5 minutes. But I made it through that day. And the next and the next. I stopped thinking I couldn’t do it and started telling myself I could.

So if you aren’t doing as well on this challenge as you hope, tell yourself that you can do it, that you want to do it. You will get there. Remember, it’s a process and it’s all about yelling less. LESS.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs

“It’s not about what you’ve done 


It’s about what you’re doing

It’s all about where you're going


No matter where you’ve been


Let’s go!”
~Lyrics from “Let’s Go” by Calvin Harris

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~ Buddha

TODAY’s ACTIONS:

1.  If you aren’t already, stop thinking about “mistakes.” Let them go and instead focus on the moment right in front of you, right now. Take it one moment at a time. If you have to, write the mistake down and that tear it up to help you move on.  And then by saying “It’s over. Focus on the present. Let it Go.” Yeah, turns out I get to do this a lot in my life.

2. If you haven’t already, change your passwords to phone, email etc… to a positive “I can do this!” or “I will yell less.” Surround yourself with positive statements!

3. Think about your favorite 3 alternatives to yelling and share them: What is your favorite alternative to yelling when your kids are just acting up and acting their age…but it’s annoying? What is your favorite alternative when the reason you want to yell is personal? What is your favorite alternative when the kids aren’t behaving right and you need to stop behavior and teach a lesson lovingly and so they can really hear you? Share here:  http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/13/day-17-favorite-alternative/

Password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:
If you find yourself getting all worked up, make a fist with your hands and squeeze. Or have some play doh handy!
Good Luck! Rooting for you as always!

Day #17: Staying Positive

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning!

I read that many of you had great days yesterday and I am so excited for you! I also read that some of you didn’t have the day you hoped for and I am excited for you too. Why? Because you showed up and tried! One of the most common emails I get is “I thought I was the only one who yells and I don’t even know how to try not to, so I don’t.” I know it is “hokey” but admitting you want to change and trying to change is a huge step in a positive direction and you should feel good about that. Seriously.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”
~Mary Pickford 

This Challenge is all about more loving MOMENTS. Every moment is a chance to succeed. Let the moments from yesterday go. Focus on the moment in front of you. Tackle one moment at a time. Don’t let yesterday get you down and feel defeated.

“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” ~Winston Churchill

I talked about getting excited yesterday and the day before. Good or bad day yesterday, get excited every morning. If you don’t feel it, fake it! They say if you smile when you feel crappy you’ll start to actually feel better. I’ve experienced it to be true. So force yourself to get excited about changing knowing that you WILL change and start to yell less. Stay enthusiastic!

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Get on up! Today is a new day filled with lots of new moments! Get excited and stay excited! YOU CAN DO THIS!

2. Say something positive to yourself in regards to this challenge. Oh gosh, that is so something my mother would write! Ha! It is easy to feel down and want to quit. But I know that you have at least one and hopefully many more things you have done that you can feel proud of over these last 16 days. Write it down, look at it, and say “Yeah, I did that!” Focus on the positive, forget the negative. Share here:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/12/day-16-staying-positive/
password: icanyellless

3. If you are bored, here is a post I wrote about positive thinking...http://theorangerhino.com/positively-powerful/ 

TODAY’s TIP:
If you feel like you are going to lose it, text a friend, seriously! My first 7 days whenever it got close I texted a friend saying “Help!” or posted on the Orange Rhino facebook page. Sometimes just acknowledging that you are struggling is a great way to be forced to stop and think. When I texted a friend I often realized, wait, you want to yell over that? They are just kids, they are just 4 and 6. Or it was telling a friend my stress and then I felt better and realized it was about me.

Good luck! I am always thinking of you. If you are feeling really defeated, please share. I don’t want anyone to feel awful about themselves and down because of this. Email me if you want; I will try my hardest to reply to all emails promptly.

Have a great day!

Day #16: Get Excited!

From the Orange Rhino:

“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting…so get on your way!”

~Dr. Seuss

Yes, let’s get on our way! Yes, learning to yell less and actually doing so probably feels like standing at the bottom of a huge mountain with a pit in your stomach of “ugh, there is no way I can do this!” But, believe it or not, you are ready and you have already achieved a lot. I once roughly outlined the 12 steps I took to stop yelling. You have already done 6 of them! You have:

(1) Acknowledged that you need to change, decided that you want to change, and fully committed to changing.
(2) Tracked your triggers
(3) Slowly started practicing
(4) Set a goal
(5) Created a support network and
(6) Shared your goal to create accountability

That’s a lot of work! Even if you didn’t have the chance to write in the blog posts or track your triggers, just reading the emails and thinking is work and you’ve done that. So please, be proud of what you have done so far!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

And a little Pointer Sisters too…

“I’m so excited…I am just can’t hide it!”

Yes, please, believe in yourself! As I said before, you have done so much work to get to this point. Have confidence. And when your thoughts start to change to negative, change them right back to positive. Think of your positive affirmations. Think about how great it will feel when you don’t yell. Think about how in the last week or so you practiced and succeeded. Think positive!

And while you are at, seriously get really excited! Today is YOUR DAY! I remember my first few days before I officially started counting days. I was so excited about changing, about accomplishing this great goal that no one thought I could, about finding a community of support that I was bouncing off the walls. Seriously. But that enthusiasm pushed me to succeed. I wanted nothing more than to succeed. And when I had an off day in the beginning, I thought of the moments when I had not yelled and I once again became excited because I knew I could do this not yelling thing.  You can too. You can do this!

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1) Yell less!

2) Believe in yourself!

3) Get excited! Share in this blog post about your first day, focusing on how excited you were to yell less and how it felt. The more you talk about the excitement, the more it will grow! And if you didn’t yell less or meet your goal, write about how it WILL feel when you do. Picture not yelling and the kids' responses and write about that – that will also get you excited! http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/11/day-15-get-excited/

Password: icanyellless

TODAY’s TIP:

If you feel a yell coming, just turn away. Yell into a closet, a toilet, a fridge, a cabinet, your hands, whatever. Those things don’t have feelings! I spent my first couple of days, maybe even a week teaching myself to yell AWAY. Turn your body, let out the “ARGHHHHH” if you have to do. Just don’t let it be mean words at your kids. Once you have taught yourself to yell away and not say the mean words, it will be easier to teach yourself to not yell at all.

Good luck!

I’ll be thinking of you all day!

Day #15: Find Support & Get Excited!

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morningish! I am sorry for the delayed email. I have completely pulled my back out and am just getting out of bed as I have been in so much pain. How have I been able to stay in bed so long? Support from my husband! How was I able to get through one year without yelling? Support from friends, my husband, my kids and The Orange Rhino Community. I struggle with asking for help but oh it is often needed! Tomorrow we start the next phase of this project and I want to make sure you have support to yell less! I love all the goals you have shared and I will do my best to support you by sending hopefully inspiring emails from now until the end of our 30 Days but I believe you will be in an even better place with a support network beyond those emails.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.” ~Oprah Winfrey

 “You can make it, but it’s easier if you don’t have to do it alone.” ~Betty Ford

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Create your support network. I suggest you find the following people:

(a)           Pep Talker: The person you can call when you want to quit and he/she will always tell you not to, that you can do it. This is hubby’s job. Also best friends, mom, minister perhaps?

(b)           The Texter/Tweeter: The person (people) who are attached to their phone and you can reach out to whenever you have the urge to yell. Choose people you know will reply ASAP with a supportive “you can do it!”

(c)            The Children! Yes, I told my kiddos my plan and they help me immensely by saying “Orange Rhino” when I am getting testy!

(d)           The Orange Rhino Facebook Community: Good news, we’re already here! Post on the timeline – ask for support and give it too!

These people do not have to be non-yellers, they just need to be supportive of you and your commitment. I will do my best to continue to support you all but I am learning that I am not superwoman and that there are only 24 hours in the day!

2. Tell your support network your goal and your desire for them to help. This will make the goal more real and will hopefully inspire them to help you!

3. Decide how you are going to VISUALLY chart your success.
Seeing my counter on my blog go up/down and posting on Facebook every night about my success kept me going. What will you do? Put orange m&ms in a jar for every moment or day achieved? Color in days on a calendar orange or mark them with orange hearts? Put one orange post it note on the wall for each moment of success? Buy orange helium balloons that you pop when you succeed? Place orange stickers on a chart? Put a dollar in an orange jar towards a manicure or an orange necklace? Whatever you do, get creative and make sure you place your “goal counter” somewhere highly visible and motivational.

4. GET EXCITED! Tomorrow is the day! You have done a lot of hard work these two weeks. A lot of hard work. I think you are ready to stop preparing and start doing! Get pumped up by reading the posts from Day 1 here knowing that those moments are the past – that those moments are your catapult to change! http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/02/25/day-1-catapulting-to-change/

And reading positive affirmations here that you CAN DO THIS! You can love with kindness, love with patience.
http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/06/day-10-believe-that-you-can-change/

Learning to yell less is hard BUT I am telling you, and as many of you have already discovered, it feels awesome when you have a successful moment of not yelling. And then when you have two or three or four. So yes, get excited because the best feelings are coming! 

Day #14: What's Your Yelling-Less Goal?

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! Before we talk goals, I just wanted to say thank you. Your trusting me (just a mom) to share what I have learned is motivating me to work hard and think about how I didn’t yell and how I stay that way. And your comments, well, they have me thinking and are keeping me real. I have had a tough go at it since this project started and you all are keeping me focused on my goal. Thank you so much.

Now, I know many of you signed up for these emails to get support for not yelling for 30 days. My intention, however, was to help you prepare for not yelling so that when our 30 day project is up, you have the confidence to keep on yelling less. Tomorrow is our last day of preparation. Then we are officially going to take all the lessons learned from triggers, all our positive affirmations, all our “don’t worry” statements and everything else and start yelling less. We will have 16 days of yelling less but that doesn’t mean that you need to go sixteen 24-hour days without yelling. I have learned that everyone is motivated by different degrees of yelling less so everyone needs to have their OWN goal.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go and why you want to get there.” ~Kofi Annan

 You have all chosen well, you have all thought about the moment about why you want to change and what you stand for, but now it is time to specify where you want to go.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.” ~Frank A. Clark

“Any person who selects a goal in life which can be fully achieved, has already defined his own limitations” ~Cavett Roberts

As you think about your goal today, remember these quotes. Goal setting is tricky. You want to pick a goal that is hard enough to reach and with enough obstacles that you will work hard to get there BUT that is attainable enough that you can get there. I chose 365 days straight, which is a bit hard-core. But that is me. My goal doesn’t work for everyone. You need to choose a goal that works for you.

TODAY’s ACTION:

Set a goal! If I recall correctly from different things I have read here and there, there are five things to remember when setting a goal. (1) Be specific with your goal, (2) make sure it is measurable, (3) attainable, (4) realistic and there is something else that I forget. Ha! Remember, I am just a mom, not a professional! (Oh yeah--it's (5) write it down/tell someone, make yourself accountable in some way.) But these first four items are what I unintentionally did when I set my goal. Yes, perhaps 365 days didn’t seem attainable or realistic BUT I believed in myself, I had a passion and deep-rooted desire to achieve the goal and that is a huge part of attainability. I also had a support network, which made realism possible. You too have the keys to realism and attainability already.

Use your trigger tracking sheet, or mental notes, to help set your goal. You know from the last almost two weeks how easy, hard, uplifting or not this Challenge is for you. Pick a goal that will push you but won’t break you. Here are some different ideas:

• 16 days (consistently or out of 30 days)
• 30 days (go beyond our 16 days)
• 30 moments
• 365 moments
• 3x a day instead of 12 times consistently for 16 days (Remember when you counted how many times you yelled a day? Choose something 75% less than current. Did you count that you yelled 12 times a day? Then aim for 3 or less. Are you already yelling less? Re-count #of times today and go lower than that!) 
• No yelling during a specific moment for 16 moments (did your trigger tracker show a constant bad moment? Make your goal about alleviating that moment, i.e. yelling at bedtime)
• 365 days but without re-setting, with pausing the counter on days you yell and re-starting it when you don’t yell
• 365 days straight

Make your goal real by sharing it in this blog post by the end of the weekend. This part is really important ;)

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/09/day-13-whats-your-goal/

password: icanyellless

And remember,

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” ~Karen Ravn

DREAM BIG and don’t let anyone hold you back. If I didn’t dream big and dream of 365 days straight then I wouldn’t be here. If I listened to all those people who told me I was crazy, I wouldn’t be here. Reach high, we are all here to support you!

Happy Goal Setting!

Day #13: Hakuna Matata

--> From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! Every night I dream of responding to all the comments, of telling you how impressed I am with your honesty, how amazed I am with your insights, how inspired I am by your story. I am hoping to this weekend but in case it doesn’t happen, know that I am just blown away by the comments. Especially yesterday’s.

 If you haven’t had a chance to yet, read the comments from yesterday’s post. Pretty powerful stuff if you ask me. Just reading the simple statements “I can’t change…BUT I can…” really spoke to me. So check them out and perhaps add your own comment. Thank you to everyone who shared and thank you to all of you for continued support of each other!

I know that it is hard to admit what we cannot change but it is also freeing. There are so many things in life that I refused to admit that I couldn’t change. So I just kept hammering away at them endlessly, wasting so much positive energy and yet also creating so much negative energy. Dwelling on things that I could not change (people for example) kept me from being present with my kids. It is also had the power to put me in such a mood that I would be on the verge to yell all day. I know so many people want to believe that learning not to yell is just about learning how to discipline our kids to change their behavior. Sure, that is a part. But it is only a part. Understanding ourselves and what impacts US, especially those big ‘ole things we cannot change, is a huge part as well.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Hakuna Matata!!!” ~ Song from the Lion King. It means Don’t Worry!

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is the letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

Yes, let that big trigger that you cannot change go. Let it go. Stop worrying about it. Focus on you and your response. It is hard and uncomfortable and annoying but again, freeing.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. If you haven’t yet, do yesterday’s exercise. If you did yesterday’s exercise, read your comment and write in down on a piece of paper where you can see it daily. If you don’t want to share it with your family, perhaps put it in your sock drawer so you’ll see it each morning.

2. Fill in the following phrase on the blog post: 'I will not worry about … if I start to feel the worry coming I will…" They say that it is very important to write down goals because it takes them from being a mere thought to a reality. In this case, a powerful reality. With 2 days to go until “yell no more day” I want to make sure you all have a yelling alternative in place for your big trigger.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/08/day-12-hakuna-matata/

password: icanyellless

3. All day, repeat your “I cannot change…” phrase and your “I will not worry” phrase as you focus on managing your big trigger. Start to believe these phrases. Write them down 1000 times if needed. Share them with a friend. Just start to believe them so you can truly accept them and focus on you.  

Coming up: Two more days until the official start to yelling less so make sure to check your emails this week! I know many of you have already begun to yell less and that is fantastic! And I know many of you have just focused on learning these last 11+ days and that is fantastic too. Tomorrow I am going to ask you to set a goal for yourself and tell your support group and then we’ll go at it!

To help you plan ahead, this would also be a great time to pick up any orange paraphernalia you think would be helpful to have on the big starting day: orange post it notes for a reminder, orange nail polish, orange napkins, and orange pen. 

Peruse my 100 Alternatives to yelling http://theorangerhino.com/alternatives-to-yelling/ for ideas and my “Orange Rhino Emergency Basket” for more! http://theorangerhino.com/the-orange-rhino-emergency-basket/

Have a great day! It's snow and beautiful here...and right now very soothing and peaceful. Hope we all have days just as peaceful!