From the Orange Rhino:
Day 2:
“One important key to success is self-confidence. An
important key to self-confidence is preparation.” ~ Arthur Ashe
Today we are going to start the big preparation part of
learning to yell less. We are going to start tracking triggers. This is the
part everyone loosely talks about, but doesn’t really want to do. This is the
piece everyone needs to do. My first 10 days I wrote down on orange post-its
notes when I yelled, why I yelled, my mood, my kids moods, time of day (and
month – seriously!) etc… Tracking my triggers helped me:
- Create a mental alarm system that now goes off BEFORE I yell (ie. Warning! You had fight with husband over money. You will be cranky and want to yell at everything.
- Identify small problems that can easily be fixed and larger problems that can be focused on one at a time (ie. rushing in morning).
- Gain self-awareness that 9 out of 10 times underneath the triggers my personal issue was the real trigger!
We are
going to spend 3 days tracking triggers. We aren’t going to do any problem
solving at this point – just working to get data for our own alarm systems!
I am telling you, understanding my triggers was a HUGE HUGE
HUGE (yes I am yelling) help on my journey. Here is a post I wrote about it: http://theorangerhino.com/
TODAY’s
THOUGHTs:
“My experience has been that work is almost the best way to pull oneself out of the depths.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
“Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.”
~Sigmund Freud
---I normally try not to be all therapy-esque but this was a great quote I thought ;) ---
TODAY’s
ACTIONs:
1. If you didn’t yesterday, on one piece of paper tally every
single time you yell. Even if you stop yourself. Be ruthless. Don’t lie to
yourself to make the numbers look good. When it is goal setting time you need
to know where you are starting from!
2. Use the attached tracking sheet to track your triggers. You
can also find it here and an example of my tracking sheet: http://theorangerhino.com/
3. If you aren’t tired at the end of the long day, because it
will be long ;), post in this blog post
about an AHA! moment you had about your triggers. http://theorangerhino.com/
Password: icanyellless
When tracking, be specific. Be detailed. Be thorough. Be
truthful. The more information you collect the more you will be able to learn.
Even small details you think irrelevant might be relevant when you look back at
3 days of information. You’d be surprised. Also DIG DEEP. Keep asking yourself the question, WHY until
you feel you are the bottom of the reason. You’ll know you are at the truth,
the real trigger when your body releases and goes AHA! That is so right. A light
bulb will go off. Yes, sometimes the trigger will just be a dirty house. But
sometimes it might be more. Here’s an example:
- I yelled because the boys left crayons and paper all over the kitchen counter
- A mess is a trigger for me
- WHY?
- Because kids didn’t clean up? (Yes that’s frustrating but expected) No really, WHY?
- Because it’s more work to do? (Okay yes but that is life with kids) WHY?
- Because I (The Orange Rhino) can’t stand clutter, period. Any clutter, NOT JUST clutter kids leave out. Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic so really I’m feeling claustrophobic. (Result? Next time I see clutter I remember that it is partially frustration kids didn’t clean up but ALSO that I have my own issue with clutter.)
As you track your triggers you might feel crappy that you
yelled, you might feel crappy about why you really yelled. Remember this quote
when you do.
“A
man’s errors are his portal of discovery.” ~ James Joyce
Learning about why you yell is going to help you not yell!
It will prepare you for the next time you are in the same situation, trust me. It is going to be easy to say surface level
things triggered you to yell. Again, I urge you to dig deep if it feels there
might be more. Your goal here is understanding, not just labeling. Tracking your triggers and learning about yourself is going
to be one of the biggest rewards of this challenge. So even when it feels
annoying and a waste of time, keep at it. What you learn will not only help you
yell less but it will help you with other relationships and your general
happiness. At least it has for me. GOOD LUCK!
Here are a few more posts I did about digging in the
beginning:
http://theorangerhino.com/
I decided to list my triggers in my journal. Here is what I wrote (and I quote):
ReplyDeleteToday my Orange Rhino homework was to identify my triggers. Here are some of them I discovered:
1.Rough-housing indoors
2.Laziness
3.Disrespect
4.Spewing forth negativity
5."Parents don't know anything" syndrome. Kids disregarding my authority, ignoring me or blowing me off, especially when I'm trying to issue consequences for their having broken family rules.
6.Dinnertime--finding out who is displeased with the meal I prepared.
7.After the kids' bedtime, when I want "me" time and they refuse to go to/stay in bed.
I'm already catching myself staying more calm these last 2 days. Jeff even said he noticed! Yay!
---
I like understanding now what times I'm more susceptible to yelling.
My triggers are mainly that the kids make more messes for me to clean up and that they don't seem to treat my stuff and their stuff with respect. They get something new and it's on the floor ready to get stepped on and ruined by the next day. I feel like the only time they DO listen is when I have to yell and threaten them with taking away privileges.
ReplyDeleteDo you feel like they are listening because you are yelling, because they can feel that you are angry, or because you are threatening to take away privileges? Sometimes I have found it helpful to get down to my kids' level, with solid eye contact (I call this "getting in their face"), and saying to them in a calm voice "I feel very upset when I see your new toys on the floor. In fact, I am feeling very angry right now. If you choose not to take care of your toy, it will go away and you won't see it again (or until tomorrow, etc.). You have 5 minutes to decide if you will pick it up, or not." That can send the same message without the yell, right? And, if you keep your cool during the talk, you can feel a lot better. What do you think?
DeleteIt is strange but I feel like I try the calm approach first 3-4 times and nothing happens so then I have to yell and threaten to get the message through. Frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI think of the universal comedy of Bill Cosby that sums it up with some humor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMSc97UksM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbaI-JK3WJA
I know what you mean about asking calmly and having no results. The question right now seems to be whether or not it is worth it to you to yell. It is effective, and that's why we choose it sometimes. But since you have joined this group, it seems you are looking for an alternative that is equally as effective, because you would rather not yell, right?
ReplyDeleteHere are my thoughts...
Your kids are not going to stop leaving their toys on the ground. That is what they do. They are not going to stop doing that until they are adults probably. So...what can you do about that?
Set up consequences, get the kids to AGREE to the consequences, and then stick with it, no exceptions. (Whining doesn't get them out of the consequences they agreed to.)
First, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I have one cousin who, at the end of the day, every day, picks up all of the toys her kids left lying around and throws them in the garbage can! She does it, and her kids know she's going to do it, so they pick up what is most important to them before they go to bed. She has allowed them to pull things out of the trash before, but that's how she keeps her house clean. I could never do that, but that's what she's decided works for her.
If you decide the kids are not allowed to take the toys out of their room, set up a CLEAR consequence for when the toys leave their room, get the kids to agree to the consequence, and you're all set. All you have to do is follow through (that can be the hard part). If you decide the kids can take things out of their rooms but not abandon them in the living area, you can decide if you are willing to offer one, two, or three gentle reminders for them to put their things away. Get the kids to agree to your plan. After X# of gentle reminders, the toys go away. If they whine and complain when they find their toys are missing, you put on your "tough love" pants and explain that they knew this would happen (because they agreed to it), they had made a choice, by making a choice to leave the toys out and disregard your reminders, they also chose the consequence.
If you don't want to have to be the one to throw/take things away, you have to remember that these are kids, and they are going to leave their toys out. Messes WILL happen, but it is your choice how to handle the mess. Maybe you wish to do only one gentle reminder before the toys go away.
I saw a cool thing one mom did once--a simple "toy timeout box" for the garage. If they wanted the toy back, they had to do a chore to get it back (list of chores was on the box). If the toy stayed in the box for too long, it just got thrown away, I suppose. If the kids don't care about their stuff, they shouldn't have stuff, right?
As far as them respecting your stuff, that's a little different. There have to be consequences for that too. Just explain to the kids what will happen if they mess with your stuff, get them to agree to it, and then stick with it. And, set up barricades, and try to be realistic about age appropriate expectations, of course.
I hope some of this has been helpful. They're just ideas that I've collected over the years that have been helpful for me.
P.S. Sorry for being so long-winded ;).
ReplyDelete