There is one theme that many people seem to share: there is one major
trigger
that you know you just cannot change. For some it is a child’s
challenge, or a
spouse’s attitude, or a job situation. Whatever it is, it is clear that
we all
have one trigger that we would love to alleviate but can’t.
When I started this challenge, I wanted to make my son’s
struggles go away. And while I have been able to help him worth through them, I
can’t make them entirely go away. Once I accepted that, once I truly, deeply,
and honestly accepted him for who he was, life became easier. I gained empathy
and that kept me from yelling; it keeps me from yelling.
When I started this challenge, I also wanted to change my
husband. Why can’t he just make the bed? Why can’t he do this or that? I read a
book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and it opened my eyes to
something. I can’t change my husband. I spend so much negative time and energy
trying to change him, trying to make him do things that I am perfectly capable
of doing. If I just stopped nagging and just made the bed, wow, how much
negative energy I would save. Do I wish he would make it and help in the
morning? Yes. Is it worth the battle? No. It’s been going on for 10 plus years,
it ain’t changing!
My point is this: we all have major triggers that we wish
could go away. Accepting them is hard. Really hard. At moments I feel bitter
and angry when I have to accept certain BUT the upside of accepting and moving
on is greater. Way greater.
TODAY’s THOUGHT:
“…Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr
This is a hard pill to swallow. But again, worthwhile.
TODAY’s ACTIONs:
1. Think about the one thing, the one trigger, that you cannot
change. Write it down in this blog post. You don’t have to accept it yet, just
acknowledge it. Clearly write “I cannot change…..” Seeing it in writing will
help you get start to accept it. Like yesterday's post, this is one the last
group learned a lot from. Push yourself to do it if you can!
http://theorangerhino.com/password: icanyellless
2. Create a plan for how you will handle that trigger when it does arise. Will you make an "at least" statement? For example, “My husband didn’t make the bed, but at least he put his clothes in the hamper.” Or “My husband didn’t make the bed, I’ll do it. It takes me 5 seconds. No biggy. That is less than a 5-minute fight with him.”
3. Focus on this trigger today and tomorrow.
Coming up: Our preparations are almost done! Will you be ready? Do you feel confident in your triggers? Have you
found a few alternatives that you like best?
I can’t change that my thirteen year old speaks rudely and has a bad attitude. I can’t change his impatience with his younger brother, or his frustration with his parents and their (our) rules. I can’t change his attitude, or his words. I can’t force him to obey me. I can’t force him to comply. I can’t make him not be selfish, lazy, and self-centered.
ReplyDeleteI can only respond with love, show him a better way by my example, issue consequences when needed (for sure), and I can pray for peace for my own choices. I can choose to acknowledge all of the good and great things that he does. I can keep participating in this group so I can figure out how to keep my sanity when he really makes me mad. I hope we get some more answers on how to deal with these seemingly impossible situations.