Days #11 & 12: Acceptance

From the Orange Rhino:

There is one theme that many people seem to share: there is one major trigger that you know you just cannot change. For some it is a child’s challenge, or a spouse’s attitude, or a job situation. Whatever it is, it is clear that we all have one trigger that we would love to alleviate but can’t.

When I started this challenge, I wanted to make my son’s struggles go away. And while I have been able to help him worth through them, I can’t make them entirely go away. Once I accepted that, once I truly, deeply, and honestly accepted him for who he was, life became easier. I gained empathy and that kept me from yelling; it keeps me from yelling.

When I started this challenge, I also wanted to change my husband. Why can’t he just make the bed? Why can’t he do this or that? I read a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and it opened my eyes to something. I can’t change my husband. I spend so much negative time and energy trying to change him, trying to make him do things that I am perfectly capable of doing. If I just stopped nagging and just made the bed, wow, how much negative energy I would save. Do I wish he would make it and help in the morning? Yes. Is it worth the battle? No. It’s been going on for 10 plus years, it ain’t changing!

My point is this: we all have major triggers that we wish could go away. Accepting them is hard. Really hard. At moments I feel bitter and angry when I have to accept certain BUT the upside of accepting and moving on is greater. Way greater.

TODAY’s THOUGHT:

“…Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

This is a hard pill to swallow. But again, worthwhile.

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Think about the one thing, the one trigger, that you cannot change. Write it down in this blog post. You don’t have to accept it yet, just acknowledge it. Clearly write “I cannot change…..” Seeing it in writing will help you get start to accept it. Like yesterday's post, this is one the last group learned a lot from. Push yourself to do it if you can!

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/07/day-11-acceptance/
password: icanyellless

2. Create a plan for how you will handle that trigger when it does arise. Will you make an "at least" statement? For example, “My husband didn’t make the bed, but at least he put his clothes in the hamper.” Or “My husband didn’t make the bed, I’ll do it. It takes me 5 seconds. No biggy. That is less than a 5-minute fight with him.”

3. Focus on this trigger today and tomorrow.

Coming up: Our preparations are almost done! Will you be ready? Do you feel confident in your triggers? Have you found a few alternatives that you like best?

Day #10: Believe!

From the Orange Rhino:

You are receiving this email because you subscribe to be on this email list. You can unsubscribe at any moment by replying to this email with your request. 

Good morning! Today, I thought everyone could use a little break from the hard stuff. I thought you could all use an uplifting day to help keep you going and help you get ready for focusing on an uncomfortable trigger.

On Day 1 of this project, you thought about your defining moment that made you realize that you want to change, no need to change, no absolutely positively have to change. You made a decision to commit to learning to yell less. Congratulations! That was a huge step, perhaps scary, embarrassing, overwhelming and sad. But let it no longer bring you down. Let that defining moment free! Let it be the catapult that reminds you to keep changing. You are not alone on this journey. Not only are there now 800+ on this 30-day journey right now to yell less and love more, but also the entire universe is there to support you to make it happen.

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I so very much believe this. Wrote a post about it too (http://theorangerhino.com/coincidence-or-conspiracy/) There are days on my journey when I thought I wanted to quit and miraculously a random stranger would do something to give me faith to keep going. Or a friend would drop off an orange gift. It was surreal! If you make this decision to change, if you fully commit your energy, physically (squeezing hands instead of yelling) mentally (thinking about how to handle situations without yelling) and emotionally (accepting that some of the reasons you yell are personal and not because of the kids,) I believe that the universe and YOU will make it happen. I believe in you, the universe will believe in you, all we need to make sure is that you still believe in you!

I know it’s easy to stop believing in yourself that you can yell less because of a frustrating moment or two. I find that when I get to moments like that, I simply need to tell myself over and over that I believe I can love more and yell less, that I can do this!

TODAY’s THOUGHT:

“It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.”

~Muhammad Ali

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”~ Anatole France

TODAY’S ACTIONS:

1. All day tell yourself positive affirmations: I BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CHANGE. I CAN USE A CALM VOICE. I WILL GET THROUGH BEDTIME QUIETLY. I didn’t know affirmations was an actual thing people do ;), but learned during the last 30 day session that it is, that it works, and that a great approach is to focus on the positive action. I get this but I still like the statement “I will love more and yell less.”

2. Tonight, or throughout the day, share your positive affirmations here. I really encourage you to do this one post if no others. People felt really inspired actually writing and sharing their affirmations! (Password: icanyellless)

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/06/day-10-believe-that-you-can-change/

3. Surround yourself with positive reinforcement! Change your Facebook Page password to a positive affirmation: I will love more. Change other passwords to this positive affirmation as well or whatever one inspires you the most. Post positive affirmations in “yell-frequent” spots throughout the house.

4. Also, help yourself not yell by saying out loud in heated moments, “I will not yell. I am not a yeller!” This works wonders, trust me!

Coming up:
Tomorrow we will focus on a big trigger, an uncomfortable trigger. The weekend will be spent finalizing your goal and making sure you have a support group in place.

Day #9: Fair Expectations

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! I know many of you are finding this process both inspiring and frustrating! And I know many of you want to just quit receiving these emails. I get it. This isn’t easy. And if you are like me and life is already stressed, receiving them might very well feel overwhelming and just one more thing to do. Please remember that they are there when you want them, and they are there to use as best fits into your life. Have time to post in the blogs? Great! Don’t have time but still want to read and just think and ponder? Great!

And I know many of you want to quit not just because this is another thing to do but also because well, it would be really nice to see progress already and some of you aren’t. So today I wanted to share with you two Orange Rhino Revelations that helped me kick the yelling habit to the curb. I learned them in the early day and they were a huge help. I hope they help you as you continue to learn about what pushes you to want to yell and as you continue to practice how to respond without yelling.

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.”

~Harold Hulbert

I know this seems obvious. Our role as parents is to love our children. But let's be real. There are moments when we are pushed. When kids do kid things (refuse to eat a meal, hit a sibling, talk back, don’t listen) and it is really hard in that moment to feeling loving. We might still love them, but we certainly don’t love their behavior at that time. One day my then 5-year-old son was acting out beyond words. I was infuriated. It was week three of the challenge and instead of yelling I just dropped to the floor, held him like a baby, and loved him until he was calm. It works. Sometimes loving my boys is really what they are seeking when they act out and stopping and doing so makes all the difference. It brings both of us back down to a better place.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

~ Maya Angelou

There are triggers that we just can’t change, again, like kids being kids. No matter how well we parent, now matter how many parenting books we read, some times kids will be kids. I didn’t used to accept this. I set my expectations high for my kiddos and when they didn’t meet them I felt frustrated and wanted to scream. For what? They were just being kids. Another Orange Rhino taught me to ask my kids “How old are you?” when I wanted to scream at silly things. Hearing them say their age immediately reminds me to make sure my expectations are in check. If they aren’t, I remember that I can’t change their age, I can change my attitude!!! Oh right, you are only 4. Silly me. You should (or shouldn't) be able to do xyz because you are too young.

Here is a post about expectations if you want to think further…

http://theorangerhino.com/do-i-ask-too-much-of-my-kid/

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Continue focusing on JUST ONE trigger area at a time (right now, a medium trigger). Focus on understanding it and responding to it. Try different alternatives to yelling if you cannot change the trigger, but you just need to change your attitude. I am assuming that for many of you this trigger has indirectly to do with expectations of your kids. Ask yourself, are your expectations of your child fair? If you wish to write about this topic, post here:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/05/day-9-reasonable-expectations/

Password: icanyellless

2. Practice hugging your child and being loving especially when you just don’t want to. One experience of this will open your eyes and your heart. Truly.

COMING UP:

Tomorrow is one of my favorite days – it was a huge hit last time. Soon thereafter I will ask you to create your own goal for yelling less based on what you have learned so far. I know you have signed up for 30 days of yelling less but perhaps more appropriate would be 30 moments of not yelling at…insert major trigger. Put this in the back of your mind and start thinking about it.

Day #8: Medium Trigger

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning! It is great that everyone (yes, everyone, I am doing my own work alongside you, albeit on a different topic) is thinking and pondering how they can learn to yell less. But it is hard work and perhaps mentally exhausting or even emotionally draining! The next two days are dedicated to practicing not yelling (or yelling less) during a medium trigger.  

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” ~Frederick Douglass

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.” ~Oprah Winfrey

My point? This process is hard and you might struggle. Maybe not, but perhaps a little bit. But that struggling is progress and is making you stronger. The struggle might feel like a big pain but it is actually a good thing! I firmly believe I am a stronger person than I was a year ago. All this teaching myself to learn to not yell has improved me beyond just becoming a non-yeller. So as you practice these next few days, know that it is all worth it!

TODAY’S ACTIONs:

1. Pick a second trigger to work on. I suggest a medium-sized one – one that needs more thought than you wish but not so much thought you are scared to tackle it! Perhaps it is on the children’s behaviors that IS typical for his/her age but still can be a struggle (bath time, getting out the door on time, not cleaning up.) Or perhaps it is a trigger that gets to you ever so often but not all the time, like P.M.S. or a messy kitchen.

2. Brainstorm ideas with someone (spouse, mother, friend) to create a plan to try for the next two days. Write it down so it feels real and keeps you on track. Have alternatives for yelling in place. I.e: Trigger: Refusing to eat dinner. Plan: Offer at least one food each child likes as part of meal (Tacos: Child 2. Black Beans: Child 1. Corn: all). Alternative: Use orange napkins at meal time as reminder to stay calm! Back up if nothing works ;)--Tell myself out loud that I can yell less and that if I think clearly I will find a solution that works!

3. Share your trigger and your plan in this post. I read recently that having a plan for attacking a “bad habit” makes it so much easier to do so. So…what’s your plan?

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/04/day-8-medium-trigger/

password: icanyellless

One of my biggest kids' typical behavior triggers is getting out of the door on time. My plan is always to prepare what I can beforehand, to give warnings, to help or guide if needed (instead of assuming they can always do it, they are just kids after all) and then if we are running late to tell myself “stay calm or you will move slower.” It isn’t a perfect science but knowing that having a mental game plan of how to handle this trigger does help keep me calm!

As you practice resolving this trigger today and tomorrow, remember that the whole point is to figure out how to handle it and how to create a plan to have in place when things go haywire! If you do yell, tell yourself you are just learning and then brainstorm a new idea. Brainstorm new alternatives to have in place to keep you calm.

Good Luck!

Day #7: Small Trigger Begone!

From the Orange Rhino:

Good morning!

I hope you all slept better than I did as lack of sleep is a HUGE trigger for me. It is the test beyond tests! So even though today I will be focusing on keeping a huge trigger in check, I encourage you to work on the small trigger you identified yesterday. Why start here? I am hoping two days of focusing on a small trigger will help you get confidence that you can yell less!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
~Leonardo DaVinci

It is easy to say what our triggers are. It can be easy to come up with solutions to avoid said triggers.  But it is not easy to actually start practicing and stop preaching. It is hard to find the courage and the strength to say “Today is the day!” I am going to really focus today! But I believe you can all do it because I am seeing incredible focus and determination!

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

Practice! Today and tomorrow you will focus on the 1 small trigger/easy to change.

1. Start by designing a plan to conquer that moment. (Do you need to set out shoes out for your child? Do you need to wear an apron at bath time so you don’t get wet and scream? Do you need to make a trip to Home Depot or Target for some organizational items?) Remember, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication! Sometimes there really is an easy plan!

2. Review my list of 100 Alternatives to yelling and have 3-5 Alternatives in the back of your mind so if the need arises, they are already on your mind.   http://theorangerhino.com/alternatives-to-yelling/ Peruse my list, pick a few simple ones that seem relevant to the situation you will be handling and keep them top of mind. Re-read them over and over again so you remember them. (Can you stop and talk a walk around the house? Can you jog in place for the endorphin release? Can you take the kids out for a walk?) Whatever you choose, have a plan in place!

3. Share what action you did or have chosen to avoid your small trigger and/or what alternative to yelling helped.

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/02/day-6-7-practicing-eliminating-small-trigger/

password: icanyellless

4. As soon as you have a few spare minutes, if you haven’t already, now is a great time to pick up some orange post it notes or orange nail polish or something other fun orange things to help keep this challenge top of mind!

I know practice makes perfect is a common phrase. Forget the perfect. Too much pressure! Here, practice gives us knowledge (about what works and what doesn’t) and more so it gives us confidence.

Good Luck!

Day #6: Last Day to Tracking Triggers

From the Orange Rhino:

Good Morning and Happy Monday/ Day 6!

I decided to add one more day to track triggers as it will give you that much more input to help set a meaningful goal next week. But more so it will help you continue to gain key insight into what changes you can possibly make, both within yourself and your environment, to yell less. That said, some triggers you can’t change…but knowing that is huge and helpful!

I am on Weight Watchers, have been for years. When I take the time to write down what I eat, I truly eat better and lose weight. It’s like magic. Seeing the good days is inspiring and proves to me I can do it; seeing the not good days is motivation to get back on track. It’s a pain…but it works. The same applies here.  I’ve wanted to lose a couple holiday then birthday pounds and can’t seem to get eating healthy again. Today I will track right along side of you because eating unhealthy is a trigger for me, for lots of reasons….So let's track away!

TODAY’s THOUGHTs:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” ~John Pow

“One cannot too soon forget his errors and misdemeanors; for to dwell upon them is to add to the offense.” ~Henry David Thoreau

TODAY’s ACTIONs:

1. Continue to track your triggers even if it is a big pain and feels time consuming! Learn from what you write down. If you write down "I yelled because we were late," push yourself to understand why you were late. Were you all just running late or…were you not organized? Or as is often the case with me, I was on my phone too much or I wasn’t focused.

2. At the end of the day (perhaps with a celebratory drink or ice cream sundae), look at your 4 days of tracking triggers. Group them into these three categories:

(a)  Easy to Change (i.e. clean kitchen counter every night, a messy counter annoys me, morning rush, sorting laundry, something happening same time of day--a trend trigger)

(b) Personal triggers that have nothing to do with kids (i.e. fight with husband, finances, PMS!, work stress)

(c) Kids' behavior that TRULY have nothing to do with you-be honest! (yelling, not hanging up jacket, throwing food at dinner)

3. Choose 1 trigger from each group that you want to focus on this weekend/next week, so 3 triggers all together.  Before we officially go “yelling less” we are going to practice. Marathoners don’t just run 26.2 miles…they practice first for strength! Post them on the blog so we can offer support:

http://theorangerhino.com/30daychallenge/2013/03/01/day-5-3-triggers/

password: icanyellless

4. Practice forgiveness! It is easy as you write down triggers to feel like “UGH! Look at all these errors I’ve made.” WRONG. Look at all you are learning! Don’t dwell on the yelling, that will just bring you down. Forgive yourself and forget and learn instead!

I know you all are already putting in a lot of effort so this quote doesn’t totally apply. But I also know a little bit of feeling hopeless may be inside you. So I leave you with this:

“A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.” ~Elbert Hubbard

Forget may, how about will?!

Here's to a good week,
The Orange Rhino

Day #5: Sunday-catch up day

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Just a quick note...

The real Orange Rhino has been doing a combined post for the weekends, sending only one for both Saturday and Sunday.  I will do the same.  So, we will have no normal blog post or letter for Sunday.  Instead, use this day to catch up on any tasks or reading that you haven't finished yet. 

Or, if you're all caught up and would like some inspiration for today, here's a link to the Orange Rhino's blog, to one of her best past posts:

http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

Best wishes!

Jenna